Remembering Love From A Picture

I have this box at home.  Inside the box is memories I have kept over the years.  It can be anything from a little trinket to maybe a letter or pictures.  Last night I decided to check through this box of goodies.  There were memories from more than ten years ago; I couldn't believe it.  But then I came across something that unlocked something in my mind.

I have been dealing with little depression issues and high anxiety.  I am on medication for it.  It is weird though because I think the medication dulls out some of my emotions.  I am able to think straight again and my mind is wiser than ever now.  But as for tears, it is hard to get them out.  This is coming from a really emotional guy too.

I found many things in this memory box that actually made me tear up some.  Some memories were notes from friends telling me how much they mean to me.  It was a good feeling.  The tears that started running down my face were of happiness.  I felt wanted.  But then I saw it.  The one thing that would turn the happiness off.

I found this drawing from one of the happiest weekends I ever had.  About three or so years ago I fell for this girl named Connie.  Within a month we fell deeply in love.  We really did fall hard for each other.  I couldn't believe how much I liked her for her.  She also liked me for me which is hard for me to find.  But she had to leave me for things I really do not want to say.  But we were still in love when we had to leave each other.  Imagine having something that means so much to you taken away and you will never see or hear from it again.  It has been 3 years and yes, I have no idea where she is.

The thing I came across in my memory box was a picture she drew for me.  We both loved to draw and we drew each other a picture to show how much the weekend we spent together meant to us.  I saw this picture and I really started to cry.  Do I still love her?  Maybe.  But I love the person from three years ago.  I am not sure what she is like now.  I do hope she is happy though.

Who would of thought after all this time those feelings would still be in my mind and heart.  If she randomly showed up at my door tomorrow, I would invite her in.  I always wanted a girl like her and I had that for a month.  Which is weird because I never believed in falling in love so fast, but we both did.
I cried a lot.  It was almost like I cried for three years of not crying.  For remembering every moment I talked to her just by looking at one picture.  That is strong stuff right there.

After awhile, I stopped crying and I came back to reality.  I know she is gone forever and there is no way to reach her for she disappeared.  But again, I really hope she is happy.  Maybe one day she will come across this blog on the internet and remember me.  I am not sure.  But I will say no matter where you are Connie, I do sometimes still miss you.  I hope you have the life you always wanted.

Wanting A Chance

No one really reads my blogs here on blogger.  I guess it is a place where I can write deep thoughts.  I normally am a deep guy but if you look at me all over the web, you do not see this side of me unless you come across this blog.  Sometimes it is just nice to write down what you are thinking.  That is why I have this.  Anyways.....

So I have this friend who I have known for over 10 years now.  She means a lot to me and my life.  I have been there for her through everything to always make her smile and she has done the same for me.  People say a girl and a guy cannot be as close as we can without wanting to be together, or should be together.  But we are.  We just have always wanted that connection.

One thing we really have in common is the ability to date people who treat us like crap.  We are also the ones who usually get dumped.  I don't want to brag here, but I am a hopeless romantic.  I know how to treat a girl I am with.  Unfortunately my friend has not really had the pleasure to experience that with anyone.  Not even the last guy she dated.  I mean he was the nicest guy she has ever been with.  I set them up.  He is a great guy, but there are still things he was leaving out of the relationship.  Well because of differences, they broke up.

She is now single again and after 10 years I cannot take it anymore.  I really want a chance.  I know her, I know her family, friends.  I know what makes her happy and how to give her a good time.  I would treat her the way she should of been treated all these years.  Yes I am her best friend, but I want more.  You always hear about being friendzoned.  I want to break the code.  I want to show it is possible.

But maybe it is not.  I did tell her I would like to take her on a date.  But she won't even give me that.  Every time she needs a shoulder I am there and she tells me how comfortable it is just to be with me.  But in the end, she doesn't want more.  I mean not even a chance.  Why not give a chance to something that could be great.  The ability to feel comfortable all the time.

There is a part of me that wants to run to her, grab her in my arms, kiss her, look her in the eyes and say, "we can do this together, I will never let you down".  But being her best friend, I don't want to bug her.  All I really want is for her to show interest in me like I have done to her.  I just have a feeling if she finds another guy, he will not treat her right.  I know this because a stranger would like her cause she is beautiful and fun.  But I like her cause I like everything about her.  She is beautiful, fun and I like all the good and bad things about her.  I like her for what she is and wouldn't have to worry so much about judging her.

She agreed with me one time that we would make an amazing couple.  But then she said that 6 years ago she got over me.  Then because of that, she has never liked me more than a friend.  It hurts.  The what she said, but the fact that I know I could treat her right and instead I will probably have to watch her get hurt by someone else in the future.

So that is my venting.  My friend is a special girl and will always be a special girl to me.  No matter what happens I will always support her and I have always supported her.  Maybe years from now I will look at this post and I will be with her.  Or maybe I will look at this post and just laugh.  Or maybe....I will still be alone and not want to look at this post.

I Am Your Valentine

If you haven't already, read my last entry about Valentine's Day.  Also again, if you have a loved one, hug them today.  Also if you are single, I will be your Valentine.

True Valentines Day

I do not like what happened to Valentines Day over the years.  The holiday has turned to shit.  All it means now is a day to wish everyone a happy holiday and to get cute gifts.  That is not what it is about.  To me it has always been so much more.  I am a hopeless romantic and I am not saying this to just vent or get people mad.  I have even been dumped on Valentines Day and it does not change my view on it at all.  This is what it means to me.

Valentines Day is a day to show your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband how much they mean to you.  Yes if you really want to, you can get them a cute gift, but I hope you have the ability to do much more.  You can tell the person everyday how much you love them, but what if there is one day that can mean so much more.  Don't get stressed, don't fight, don't do any daily things; well unless you have to work I guess.  But cuddle on a couch, talk, remember the days of being together.  Don't try to hang out with others or even answer the phone.  The day is about you and your loved one.  You are suppose to become one, embody each other.  It is almost like this.  Imagine a day where you can put your worries behind you and just be a loving couple.  The day is only about you and the other person.  You can spare one day for this.  Now you are probably thinking that you can do this any day.  Well yes, that is true, but there is usually something that comes up.  Bad day at work, someone calls, bills to pay, crappy day outside or in my case you are clumsy and you fall and hurt yourself; HA!  But you can take one day to push that all aside the best way you can and spend a lovely day, or in case you have to work, evening together.

I have tried this with my exes.  You will hear lies saying I never did that or there was the one that broke up with  me  But I seriously always tried though.  I also do not let my past set me up for the future.  I see loved ones today and I do want that.  If I get a girl to like me for me, I will still use this day to show her how much I care the best way I can wither she is close or far away.  I will find a way.  Always have.

I have had about ten people today already wish me a Happy Valentines Day.  Why?  Why wish me one?  I mean I am single, so the day really doesn't mean anything right now.  Now there are two reasons why they could say this.  One, just because it is another holiday.  You always wish someone a holiday when it comes up.  Or two, it is because they care about you.  That is great.  I mean I am flattered, but you can tell me this anytime.  Especially if you have someone you love you should be spending the day with.  Maybe you are saying it cause you feel sorry for me since I am single.  Again, thank you, but I am a big boy.  Being single is not killing me.  What would make me happy is to see you being happy with the person you love.  That is what the day is about.

I understand people will disagree with me on this and that is ok.  But I cannot help it.  This day could be a lot more special than it is right now.  I am also saying that not everyone is like this.  I know many people who are taking this day to heart and spending it with each other and for that, I smile.  I am jealous too.  But hey, many single people would be jealous and some are just ok with being single.  I am not here to judge.

So in conclusion to this HUGE entry.  If you have a loved one, show them you care today.  Make it special. The world needs more love for there is too much pain.  If this entry I wrote makes at least one person turn to the person they love and say, "I love you".  Then at least I made a few people smile.

Everyone who has someone tonight, enjoy the day.  Make it a great one.

Those like me who are single.  No worries.  Be happy for those in love and maybe next year will be our year.

How A Smile Can Feel Good

When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror.  Using I will look at my face and sigh.  "Another day in a life of Paul Celano" I would think.  But this time something changed.  I had wrote before how I was going to change the way I thought this year.  For the most part, it has been working about 90% of the time which is a hell of a lot better than last year.  So when I looked into the mirror this time, I sighed and then I smiled.  I actually smiled.  It has been awhile since I had such a sincere smile.  It was all due to recent events in my life.  Some of the events will keep going and some may not happen.  But the fact of the matter is that at the time, I feel; good.  This is what I wanted in life.  I wanted to at least feel good.  I spend my days doing every creative thing possible.  Like drawing, writing, editing, videos, etc.  This is to keep my mind going and not thinking so much about other things.  Usually when I just sit around, I feel upset.  But recently when I sit around, I feel good.  It is nice to feel the way I use to.  Thank you world for giving me another chance.

Makeup Tutorial Video & What is Beauty?

I see many girls put up makeup tutorials on youtube and get tons of hits.  So I thought I would make one too so I could share in the wealth.  But my video is a little different on what I use for makeup.


On a side note.  What is beautiful anymore?  You watch TV and everyone on there is suppose to be beautiful.  This is the same for magazines.  But they are also so fake.  Or they have had plastic surgery.  So what is beautiful?  It just seems like so many people are blinded by what beauty truly is.  Yes if I have someone I am in love with, of course I will say she is beautiful.  She is pretty, cute, beautiful, gorgeous, etc.  But a deeper type of beauty would be colored leaves falling from tree, the sun setting or even seeing an old couple walk hand in hand.  Some say beauty was seeing their child being born.  Even though it was gross too, they still said it was a beautiful moment.  So stop using TV, ads and magazines for an excuse to say something is beautiful when true beauty is the one you love or the world around you.

Youtube Is Deleting Unused Accounts

So it is true that youtube is going to get rid of all the accounts that are just sitting on the site doing nothing.  In one way I think this is cool because then the site will be cleaned up a bit.  The only real bad thing is that it will cause some channels to lose subscribers who never go on youtube.  But hey, at least you know who is still watching you right?

People Think I Have An Asian Fetish

"Argh my sinuses have been bothering the crap out of me lately.  Anyways.  I came across this HUGE blog I wrote on Facebook a year ago.  It is how people think I have an Asian fetish.  Well I will show you what I wrote and you be the judge."

Ok I can't take it anymore.  I mentioned the Asian girl from Scott Piligrim the other day and someone said I have an Asian fetish.  I get this all the time and sometimes I guess it is joking, but a lot of the time people act really serious like I do.  This is something I have kept to myself and I am finally sharing it.  Only a couple people know about this and maybe a few more will now that I am writing this note.  I am not tagging anybody though.  Also the reason I have not told anyone this is because it is really stupid and some will probably think I am an idiot or just make fun.

But please, this is really serious for me and I am sharing this even though I will probably get some comments of people making fun of me.

This is why I seem to go towards Asians....

Ok my first Asian girlfriend was Aiwen and then after her was Debbie.  I thnk Debbie knows about the thing I am about tell though cause I believe I told her.  Way after Debbie I dated a girl who was half.  So you could say that was three Asian girlfriends in a row.  This is why.

I really do not have a fetish.  I like all types of girls, I have just had Asian girls on my mind lately.  Oh yeah, that totally sounded like a fetish right?  Anyways.  My first three girlfriends were white.  After the third I had this dream.  I would say I was about 21, 22, 23 at the time or something.  I hit REM sleep hard and it was to the point I could feel touch in my dream.  In the dream I came across this girl who was Asian.  She was a beautiful girl too.  We spent time together and it seemed like along time.  In the dream I knew I was going to wake up and I told her this.  She then looked at me and said, "please don't forget about me".  You can imagine how I felt when I woke up.  It drove me insane. 

The next night I went to bed and fell right to a deep sleep again.  Again, the same girl and she remembered me from the first dream.  Again, we talked and everything.  Then it came that time again.  I was a bit upset this time and said that I wish it wasn't a dream.  She told me that one day we will find each other.  Then I woke up.

The next night, I saw her again in a dream.  This time I told her I couldn't take the torture anymore.  Not being able to see her in real life.  She then told me her name.  When I woke up, I couldn't remember it.  All I knew was that it had a K or C sound. 

The next night, she was not in my dream and I have never seen her since.  That next night started my insomnia problems.  All of a sudden, I couldn't get Asian girls out of my mind.  Every time I saw one I thought....could that be her.  For not only I couldn't remember her name, I couldn't remember what she looked like either.

Later in life I felt kind of stupid and put it in the back of my mind.  The girls I dated were not because of this dream.  I dated them because I liked them.  But the strange thing now is that I run into random girls who happen to be Asian.  Some start to like me first.  Or like any girl I meet, I will talk to them and maybe I will like them.  I like them for the person they are, not their race. 

It is funny though.  I mean I never met many Asian girls until after I had those dreams.  I swear on my life it is not a fetish.  If I met a white girl who fit with me, of course I would give her a chance.  I won't lie though.  Sometimes I still see an Asian girl and the back of my mind thinks.....could that be the dream girl.  I seem to only do this when I am lonely though.

Wouldn't it be crazy if life was like a movie though.  Like I actually ran into my dream girl.  I remember Debbie told me one time that she had a japanese class or something and the name she picked for the class started with a K.  I kind of used that as a joke and said she was my dream girl.  It is ok though.  Even though we didn't work out, I still enjoyed the good times.  I randomly kind of hooked up with Connie and her name had the C.  Again, it crossed my mind, but not to the point where I chose her cause of it.

It would just be really cool if it was all true you know?  Still to this day I still have this in my mind sometimes and it does make me feel childish or stupid.  Even to the point where I feel like I might have a fetish.  But then I will see a white girl and think she is attractive and I realize I am fine.  It just sucks because I have had three Asian girlfriends and people see that as a fetish to the point where if I even mention an Asian girl......yeah it is a fetish.

Now you all see why things happened the way they did.  I am not crazy....I think.  Well sometimes I think I am.  I hope to one day have another girl steal my heart and if she is Asian, I really hope the people that read this will understand that it is all just random, I am not addicted to Asians.  Although I had an Asian girl tell me that they are addicted to me.  That made me laugh.  A Paul fetish?  HAhahaha yeah right. 

Funny how life works though.  From the girls I dated, to the dream, to the girls I dated after and the random events that shaped how my heart and mind think today.  So wither I meet an Asian girl or any other girl, I hope my friends close to me with respect what I do and don't think I am crazy.

Please if you can, don't comment anything bad to me.  This really is a serious post and those of you who know me, know I don't get really embarassed, but right now I am some as I post this.

I hope everyone has a better understanding now....

When You Feel Little

Where I work I am always belittled.  Actually there are five people who work here including me.  It is a family business so some of the family is here.  But the main people are my dad and I.  He always talks down to me.  Tells me I am wrong all the time.  Even if I have proof written down, I am still wrong in his eyes.  He wants me to take over the business someday, but how?  How can I when I am always wrong and he will not teach me anything new because he thinks I am a failure.  He will say things like, "it is my fault you are like this".  Yet, he never tells me what he means and still says I am always wrong.


There is only one person at work that does talk down to me but the others do.  It is really stupid stuff too like reminding me what I have to do.  I know what I have to do since I have been working here eight years more than them.  But for some reason they have to tell me what to do.  Or I will be working on something that I only know how to do, yet they tell me I am doing it wrong.  How do they know?  They don't do that work.


Another thing is the fact that no one thinks I am busy.  It is always ok for them to make me stop working to do something, but if I ask for help I always get the same line; " I am too busy".  You were not busy five minutes ago and all of a sudden you are when I ask for help?  Or if I am really busy they interrupt me a million times.  For example the other day I was listening to music on my ipod while I was working.  I had to remove my headphone 25 times in an hour because I kept getting asked questions.  Some weren't even questions, they were just interruptions that made no sense.


One of the workers told me that I lash out too much or I cannot take criticism.  Where the hell does he get off saying that.  First off, he is one of the worse when it come to taking criticism.  Now I understand that sometimes I get mad when someone tells me something, but what do you expect when you hear you are wrong from at least three different people everyday!  Now the lash out part makes no sense because I am the most passive person ever.  They even agree I am, yet one says I lash out too much.  Doesn't make sense.


Now you are probably thinking, "Paul, stop being a baby and tell them how you feel".  Ok let me tell you about the three people.  One is my dad.  I told him and he said it was not true and I am thinking too much into it.  Then he said that I make him no money.  The second guy, instead of listening how I feel, comes back and tells me how I am worse than him and what is wrong with me.  Basically he is changing the subject and turning it around on me.  The last guy just sits there and says ok, but doesn't change.


I dunno what to do anymore.  I rely on this job.  It is the only thing I am good at to make money.  But how can I take over a business if I cannot learn and everyone around me puts me down.  I just don't know what to do.


Sorry for venting, but like I said, this blog is a different side of me.

When Your Mind Is Thinking Too Much

So this was the last day of my break.  Tomorrow is is back to work.  For the few days I had off I couldn't help but think a lot.  My wheels in my mind are always turning.  The thing that kept popping up in my head is the fact that I am single.  I hate being the one to complain that I have no special someone, but I can't help.


This year in April I will be turning 30.  Back when you are in your early to mid teens you want to date someone for fun.  Then you get into your late teens and early 20s.  By this point you could fall in love or you could just go out and have fun.  You are young and so is the night.  Then you hit the mid 20s and you start to look for a special someone.  Being 30 this year, I am done with "fun".  I want more.  I want that special someone.


Now what I explained does not go in that order for everyone.  It can be different for many people.  It is just how I feel in my mind.  But I really want to find someone I can date for awhile and if things go well, hopefully I can start a family.  The people around me are done with the crazy life.  They are all settling down and yes it makes me jealous.  My sister is five years younger than me and she is engaged now.  I think the guy she is with is great and I will be happy to call him a brother, but it doesn't face the fact I am jealous of her.  I was hoping to be where she is by now.


Also her being my only sibling, she is being praised for this and I am being looked down on by the whole family.  I am not sure if they mean it, but the teasing and the pressuring is enough to drive one crazy.


Oh yes I am not a lazy bum. I go out, I meet women.  But the ones I meet are wrong or if I find one I like, they are taken or they turn me down.  How is it that all the girls I know say I am the guy that all girls want, yet in "real life" I really am not.  There are some girls I know that I really wish I could have the chance with.  Three to be exact.  But one is away forever, one lives to far away and the other just probably would never want to really date me.


Sure I know there is that special one for me out there somewhere and I really don't mind waiting as long as I get the chance.  But I can't help but get anxious when everything and everyone around me is changing and I just seem to stay the same, but get older.


So work is tomorrow.  I am actually happy about it for I can focus on that and get my mind off of this for awhile.

Good Bye 2011

So now it is the year 2012.  A whole new year to see what happens in life.  It is funny though.  Every year I say the same thing.  "This year is going to be the best!!"  But then it turns out to be the worst.  So I think for this year I will just sit back and see what happens.  Go with the flow if you will.  Then maybe, just maybe, everything that happens, good or bad, will be a surprise.  


After my last video, people have been asking me what my true New Year resolution is.  I actually don't really care for them.  So I have had the same one every year.  That is to make at least one person laugh each day.  That way I know I am bringing at least one smile and it shows that it is worth it.  


Happy New Year everyone and I hope you get many surprises in this 2012!

Happy New Year!

Lets just say it is hard to figure out what you really want as a New Year resolution.  For me, because I have so many thoughts running through my head, I just came up with too many.