I have this box at home. Inside the box is memories I have kept over the years. It can be anything from a little trinket to maybe a letter or pictures. Last night I decided to check through this box of goodies. There were memories from more than ten years ago; I couldn't believe it. But then I came across something that unlocked something in my mind.
I have been dealing with little depression issues and high anxiety. I am on medication for it. It is weird though because I think the medication dulls out some of my emotions. I am able to think straight again and my mind is wiser than ever now. But as for tears, it is hard to get them out. This is coming from a really emotional guy too.
I found many things in this memory box that actually made me tear up some. Some memories were notes from friends telling me how much they mean to me. It was a good feeling. The tears that started running down my face were of happiness. I felt wanted. But then I saw it. The one thing that would turn the happiness off.
I found this drawing from one of the happiest weekends I ever had. About three or so years ago I fell for this girl named Connie. Within a month we fell deeply in love. We really did fall hard for each other. I couldn't believe how much I liked her for her. She also liked me for me which is hard for me to find. But she had to leave me for things I really do not want to say. But we were still in love when we had to leave each other. Imagine having something that means so much to you taken away and you will never see or hear from it again. It has been 3 years and yes, I have no idea where she is.
The thing I came across in my memory box was a picture she drew for me. We both loved to draw and we drew each other a picture to show how much the weekend we spent together meant to us. I saw this picture and I really started to cry. Do I still love her? Maybe. But I love the person from three years ago. I am not sure what she is like now. I do hope she is happy though.
Who would of thought after all this time those feelings would still be in my mind and heart. If she randomly showed up at my door tomorrow, I would invite her in. I always wanted a girl like her and I had that for a month. Which is weird because I never believed in falling in love so fast, but we both did.
I cried a lot. It was almost like I cried for three years of not crying. For remembering every moment I talked to her just by looking at one picture. That is strong stuff right there.
After awhile, I stopped crying and I came back to reality. I know she is gone forever and there is no way to reach her for she disappeared. But again, I really hope she is happy. Maybe one day she will come across this blog on the internet and remember me. I am not sure. But I will say no matter where you are Connie, I do sometimes still miss you. I hope you have the life you always wanted.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wanting A Chance
No one really reads my blogs here on blogger. I guess it is a place where I can write deep thoughts. I normally am a deep guy but if you look at me all over the web, you do not see this side of me unless you come across this blog. Sometimes it is just nice to write down what you are thinking. That is why I have this. Anyways.....
So I have this friend who I have known for over 10 years now. She means a lot to me and my life. I have been there for her through everything to always make her smile and she has done the same for me. People say a girl and a guy cannot be as close as we can without wanting to be together, or should be together. But we are. We just have always wanted that connection.
One thing we really have in common is the ability to date people who treat us like crap. We are also the ones who usually get dumped. I don't want to brag here, but I am a hopeless romantic. I know how to treat a girl I am with. Unfortunately my friend has not really had the pleasure to experience that with anyone. Not even the last guy she dated. I mean he was the nicest guy she has ever been with. I set them up. He is a great guy, but there are still things he was leaving out of the relationship. Well because of differences, they broke up.
She is now single again and after 10 years I cannot take it anymore. I really want a chance. I know her, I know her family, friends. I know what makes her happy and how to give her a good time. I would treat her the way she should of been treated all these years. Yes I am her best friend, but I want more. You always hear about being friendzoned. I want to break the code. I want to show it is possible.
But maybe it is not. I did tell her I would like to take her on a date. But she won't even give me that. Every time she needs a shoulder I am there and she tells me how comfortable it is just to be with me. But in the end, she doesn't want more. I mean not even a chance. Why not give a chance to something that could be great. The ability to feel comfortable all the time.
There is a part of me that wants to run to her, grab her in my arms, kiss her, look her in the eyes and say, "we can do this together, I will never let you down". But being her best friend, I don't want to bug her. All I really want is for her to show interest in me like I have done to her. I just have a feeling if she finds another guy, he will not treat her right. I know this because a stranger would like her cause she is beautiful and fun. But I like her cause I like everything about her. She is beautiful, fun and I like all the good and bad things about her. I like her for what she is and wouldn't have to worry so much about judging her.
She agreed with me one time that we would make an amazing couple. But then she said that 6 years ago she got over me. Then because of that, she has never liked me more than a friend. It hurts. The what she said, but the fact that I know I could treat her right and instead I will probably have to watch her get hurt by someone else in the future.
So that is my venting. My friend is a special girl and will always be a special girl to me. No matter what happens I will always support her and I have always supported her. Maybe years from now I will look at this post and I will be with her. Or maybe I will look at this post and just laugh. Or maybe....I will still be alone and not want to look at this post.
So I have this friend who I have known for over 10 years now. She means a lot to me and my life. I have been there for her through everything to always make her smile and she has done the same for me. People say a girl and a guy cannot be as close as we can without wanting to be together, or should be together. But we are. We just have always wanted that connection.
One thing we really have in common is the ability to date people who treat us like crap. We are also the ones who usually get dumped. I don't want to brag here, but I am a hopeless romantic. I know how to treat a girl I am with. Unfortunately my friend has not really had the pleasure to experience that with anyone. Not even the last guy she dated. I mean he was the nicest guy she has ever been with. I set them up. He is a great guy, but there are still things he was leaving out of the relationship. Well because of differences, they broke up.
She is now single again and after 10 years I cannot take it anymore. I really want a chance. I know her, I know her family, friends. I know what makes her happy and how to give her a good time. I would treat her the way she should of been treated all these years. Yes I am her best friend, but I want more. You always hear about being friendzoned. I want to break the code. I want to show it is possible.
But maybe it is not. I did tell her I would like to take her on a date. But she won't even give me that. Every time she needs a shoulder I am there and she tells me how comfortable it is just to be with me. But in the end, she doesn't want more. I mean not even a chance. Why not give a chance to something that could be great. The ability to feel comfortable all the time.
There is a part of me that wants to run to her, grab her in my arms, kiss her, look her in the eyes and say, "we can do this together, I will never let you down". But being her best friend, I don't want to bug her. All I really want is for her to show interest in me like I have done to her. I just have a feeling if she finds another guy, he will not treat her right. I know this because a stranger would like her cause she is beautiful and fun. But I like her cause I like everything about her. She is beautiful, fun and I like all the good and bad things about her. I like her for what she is and wouldn't have to worry so much about judging her.
She agreed with me one time that we would make an amazing couple. But then she said that 6 years ago she got over me. Then because of that, she has never liked me more than a friend. It hurts. The what she said, but the fact that I know I could treat her right and instead I will probably have to watch her get hurt by someone else in the future.
So that is my venting. My friend is a special girl and will always be a special girl to me. No matter what happens I will always support her and I have always supported her. Maybe years from now I will look at this post and I will be with her. Or maybe I will look at this post and just laugh. Or maybe....I will still be alone and not want to look at this post.
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